Tuesday, June 12, 2012

You turn my Morning into Praise(not a grammatical error)

Psalm 30:11

King James Version (KJV)
11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
Let me explain.
This morning when I finally got up out of bed, and made the rounds to the kids room to check on them, seeing who was still asleep and who was playing video games, I figured now was as  good a time as any to get in the shower.  Believe me, I can put it off for hours.
I have had a bad couple of days physically and emotionally.  I'll tell you about that later.
Into the shower I go.  Hot water feels so good on my achy joints and I also like to pray in there.  Something about the water.  Well, there was a lot to pray about.  Selfishly, I will admit, I was topping the list. Everything hit my brain at once; pain, worry, fear, sadness, anger...everything.  Thinking to myself " I hate how I feel and my circumstances".  I was ready to give the Lord my laundry list.  Then all of sudden I starting singing the Great Doxology.  "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below".  For the briefest moment I thought, "where the heck did that come from?".  "Joann, it's the Holy Spirit singing praises, since you are not able too."
I am sooo not kidding you!
I have to sit on a little seat in my shower because I get wobbly, and I take long hot showers.  You know showers are not as much fun when there is no hair to lather.  But still, I usually drain the hot water heater. But I digress.
I continued to sing, which was cool, on one hand because my voice is so scratchy I haven't been able to sing for a while, I just mouth the words; and on the other hand, it sounded pretty good in the shower.    In all honesty, I think I'm tone deaf on my Mother's side. Don't tell her.
Tears were pouring and I just sat there with the Holy Spirit, that the Lord has placed in my soul when I gave my life to Jesus, singing away
Now, I realize if you are not a believer in Christ and His atonement on the cross for our sins, you may think I'm crazy or weird, that's ok.  It all makes sense when you open your heart to the Lord, read His word, and accept it.  It's not hard, but it can be if you make your heart hard towards Him.
I believe the Bible is the Word of God.  The Old Testament God is the same one as the New Testament God. It all fits together
People in the Old Testament atoned for their sins through the blood of a perfect animal, but it didn't last. It didn't erase the sin, it only covered them.  To be in the presence of Almighty God, you have to be sinless and we are not, not matter who you are, sorry.Wake up!
God really didn't like the blood of all these animals, He found no joy, but He was preparing a way to atone for the sins of all of us, once and for all.  Past, present and future.  Just because you say you are a Christian does not imply that you think you are perfect, we all still sin and have that sin nature and are so far from perfect.  The difference is we admit we are sinners, accept Christ's sacrifice and live a new life, following Him.  He paid for it all on the cross through His death and resurrection. His Grace is amazing. We are cleansed of our sins, and will be able to be in  the presence of the Lord, when He brings us home to be with Him.
God put on flesh and walked the Earth for thirty three years, blameless, sinless, perfect and spotless, more perfect than the animals could ever be that were sacrificed in the Temple.  He was God in flesh. He taught amazing truths. His birth was different. We are all born with a sin nature handed down through the first man, that's why Jesus did not have an earthly father.  Come on people, if He can create something out of nothing, He can easily have caused Jesus' mother to become pregnant without a man.  It takes faith to believe these things, for sure, but once you have faith, just ask for it, you can't deny the truth. Our God is three in one. Amazing and not that easy to understand, but it's true.
Long winded.
 My point was to tell you that I was so awestruck when the Holy Spirit, that was placed in me, began to sing in the midst of my sorrow and despair and pain.  He was placed in my heart, and He knows the groanings of my soul, and sang a song to praise the Lord, lift me up and relieve my sadness.
I forgot about my pain, drained the hot water again, and sang.  And I know it pleased my Lord.
Email me or respond to this blog if you have a question or if you disagree with me.  I am no Bible scholar, I only know what I know, but I can find out answers, I've got some good teachers.
I love you all.  I am still praying for my healing.  The last treatment of Abraxane was horrible.  Pain in every joint and incredible fatigue and discouragement have been my undoing this week.  Hands and feet are numb, and heart an lungs are very stressed.  I am going to a different Dr this week, in Orlando to see if I can receive a new drug called Pertusamaub(sp) that I can't get here.  My heart issues may exclude me from it, but I am praying my heart will surprise the Dr and I can get that drug.
I've thought a bit about..nope not going to talk about that yet.
I'm going to continue to be amazed by my experience today, love on my children, watch my back pool enclosure be destroyed ( addition going up) and remember to sing praises to The King of Kings.


Romans 8:23-27New International Version (NIV)23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

What's Up with That?

  I can not get that song out of my head.. I don't usually watch SNL but there is a skit where this fella sings "What's Up with That?"  and it always runs through my head when I look at my left eye.  The lid has been lower than the other one for a couple of months now.  My Dr. sent me to an opthomologist after sending me for an MRI to check and see that the cancer had not moved to my brain.  All is clear up there so far, only my fried ol' brain cells hanging on.
It turns out there is something called Horner's syndrome that can occur when people who have cancer in their lungs or nodes in the chest area.  Apparently the tumor can push on a nerve making the eyelid drop.   Weird! What is up with that?

Of course I got freaked out because when a Dr. should mention the word "lesion" or "tumor" I want to get the heck out of there. I got pretty upset. Once she realized there are tumors in my lung she put 2 and 2 together, but I still have to follow up with it. Perhaps a trip to Miami is in our future.
 Welcome news was received that my heart function rose from 22% to about 44%. No more Life Vest, (not that it was getting worn anyway).  That sucker got sent back via UPS a few days ago. So long and good-bye! It's a good sign my heart is getting stronger, but a little more energy to exercise would be great.  Soon...
My cardiologist seemed more relieved than me. God bless him.
 The 7th chemo treatment is scheduled for this Thursday and although it's a bitter thing,  I am thankful. It is painful and causes neuropathy in my hands and feet, so there has been a lot of dropping things and tripping a lot, but we can deal with it. I am not sure what Dr. S will prescribe after the 8th treatment but there is a new drug that is being released on June 8th that may help me. It's not the TDM1 drug that a petition was started for, but it is promising. There is a group on FB called Our Her2 struggle, and they have been raising awareness of the TDM1 treatment that is being slowed down in Congress. They are working so hard. God bless them,too.

Speaking of which, a letter from Congressman Bill Posey arrived in the mail today, and it didn't feel like it was a form letter. I wrote and emailed and called both offices, describing my situation  to try to help move things along. Anyway, it was a nice letter, and it made me feel quite happy and hopeful to get it. We shall see.
School is out and Sarah is at a little graduation party with a bunch of girls around the corner. I should really go over there to help, but she wore me out today shopping for an outfit for my niece's wedding in a few weeks (run on sentence). She does not like to wear anything but jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers, so it was very challenging to find a shirt and skirt. Now to figure out shoes.
I'm going through a series of the blues every so often,(a lot).and just have to repeat scripture, or when nothing comes to mind,  remember  the Lord is telling me how much He loves me and it calms me down. How blessed I am that He loves me so. My body and face are so different now, and when I walk by the mirror I forget what I look like.  It's a shock. It may sound shallow, and I don't think I've ever been very vain, but it's a real downer to look so ill and feel it. In the morning there is some talking myself into putting makeup on and trying to work with what I've got. I've lost a lot of weight, and with no breasts, and bald headed, scars in lots of unfortunate places, I look... not too terrific.  It's the enemy talking to me when I take a close look in the mirror and think, "sick and dried up", "wearing out", "go back to bed". Some days,  the enemy wins, but more often I listen to the Holy Spirit who says, "do it", " get moving". My husband and kids never blink an eye at my appearance,  except when I try too hard or wear my wig (which I love, but it creeps them out).
 I was reading about the Proverbs 31 woman, and boy do we all fall short of her, but remember that "charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" At the end of the day, that's what I really want.
So, what up with that? What's up with the eye, and the flat chest and bald head and scars? Not much. My Lord is in control and He's not worried and He sees me already perfect like His Son. How wonderful.